It’s a new year! This seems like the perfect time to post a rant I’ve been sitting on for a little while.

It started when I read an article from Bookriot, “My Dear Holmes and Watson: 3 Books Featuring Dynamic Duos.” In it, the author recommends The Strings of Murder by Oscar de Muriel. “First off, I highly recommend listening to this one on audio just for the super creepy violin interludes.”

That sounded interesting. I headed over to Audible, which, for better or worse, is the site with the largest selection of titles. But a search for “strings of murder” brought up nothing.

Libro.FM, Downpour, Audiobooks.com, none of them had the book in question. Finally, I discovered a CD copy in my state’s online library catalog. I ordered it, had it shipped to my local branch… and found that it was actually a hardcover misfiled as an audiobook.

I read hardcovers. I read paperbacks. I read on a Kindle and a Kobo. But audiobooks are my preferred way of experiencing stories. I have a tendency to skim when reading in print, but with an audiobook, you can hear the story at its own pace.

And besides, I wanted to hear the super creepy violin interludes.

I sent the book back.

Finally, while surfing Audible while not logged in, I happened upon The Strings of Murder. Delighted, I clicked on the buy link, logged in to my account, and was sent back to the book’s page.

This is where I first encountered… the red box.

The red box appears where the purchasing rigamarole should be. It says: “Title Not For Sale In This Country/Region. We’re sorry. Audible is not authorized to sell this title in your country/region. Please consider another book.”

I hate the red box.

Not authorized? Why not? The Strings of Murder is the first book in a series about Victorian Edinburgh detectives Ian Frey and “Nine-Nails” McGray. Books 5 and 6, The Darker Arts and Dance of the Serpents, are available in the United States. Why not The Strings of Murder? Why not books 2 through 4?

Audible has a department, Content Requests. You can reach them at content-requests@audible.com. I have, over the years, sent them a few requests. For content. Every time, I have received the following response.

“Thanks for your request!

Offering the widest possible selection of audiobooks is our core mission and your suggestion is truly appreciated. When you don't see a particular title or author available on Audible, it's typically due to the complex nature of publishing rights. In fact, we created our own publishing imprint to make it easier for us to expand the selection on Audible. We will look into your request and do our best to make it available. Because of the volume of requests we get we may not be able to keep you updated on the status of your request, but again, thanks for the suggestion.

- The Audible Team”

This response did not fill me with optimism.

I essentially gave up on The Strings of Murder, although I would perform a search every now and again when I felt like being annoyed. However, as the years went by, every so often I would find a title that was, for no good reason anyone could name, not available for purchase by my filthy American self.

For instance, the great Michael Palin has released three volumes of his diaries. I received the first set in CD form for Christmas one year and enjoyed them immensely. You can’t do much better than international treasure Michael Palin telling you the story of his life.

Now. The first volume, The Python Years, is only available in an abridged audio version. Volume 2, Halfway to Hollywood, was made available in an unabridged version a few months ago. Volume 3, Travelling to Work, is not available at all. In this world that has abandoned physical media, Travelling to Work is only available outside of the United States as a download.

There was an audio drama made for the BBC of Neil Gaiman’s novel Anansi Boys. There have been quite a few of these over the past few years, and they have been available in the United States. But not Anansi Boys. Again, why? It’s the US. We love Neil Gaiman. We read his books, we watch his shows. Why did somebody decide to cut us off?

But here, my friends, is where global restrictions become truly maddening. In December of 2020, Audible released P.G. Wodehouse Volume 1: The Jeeves Collection. This is essentially a boxed set of five Wodehouse novels, all of them narrated by not merely international but intergalactic treasure Stephen Fry.

Stephen Fry? Narrating the Jeeves books?

I needed it.

But there it was. That miserable red box.

“Audible is not authorized to sell this title in your country/region.”

Now, I’m going to show you a picture. See if you can spot the problem.

Do you see it? No? Here, let me clear it up for you.

Yes, that’s right. The publisher of The Jeeves Collection is Audible Studios.

Audible. Studios.

Audible… is not authorized to sell this title… by Audible.

Relax your jaw, you’re probably grinding your teeth a little right now. There you go, that’s better.

Giving Audible the benefit of the doubt, I thought perhaps the reason this collection wasn’t available in the US was a question of public domain. The first three books in The Jeeves Collection are in the public domain in the United States; the final two are not.

This proved not to be the case. In July of 2021, Audible released P.G. Wodehouse Volume 2: The Blandings Collection. This is another reading by Mr. Fry of the first five novels in Wodehouse’s Blandings Castle series. And none of them are in the public domain.

This collection is available in the US. P.G. Wodehouse Volume 2 is just sitting there on its own, with no Volume 1 to sit next to it.

I have written to Content Requests. I have even tweeted to whatever poor intern Audible has controlling their Twitter page. I have attempted to explain, calmly, simply, without using all caps or using the foulest language I have in my lexicon, that Audible publishes The Jeeves Collection, and as such, it should be fairly simple for them to fix the problem and just let me buy the thing.

They have not responded beyond boilerplate.

It gets worse. In late 2021, it was announced that Terry Pratchett’s beloved Discworld books would be rerecorded as new audiobooks. This was wonderful news; I love the Discworld books, but the audiobooks frankly sounded out of date. I looked forward to amassing all 41 audiobooks.

…you see where this is going, don’t you.

My only source for this is a Reddit thread, but it rings true: there are, at time of writing, no plans to release Discworld books 21-41 in the United States.

Again: why? You think Terry Pratchett isn’t popular here? The viewing figures on Good Omens suggest otherwise. It’s the year 2023. There’s a global marketplace. How are we still operating on these nonsense rules? What is the point of it?

By now, those of you who are still reading are probably asking yourselves, “why don’t you just pirate this stuff?”

Well, yes. I could do that. I might go so far as to hop through a series of hoops in order to buy these books from another region.

But here’s the thing… I shouldn’t have to. I should just be able to buy the damned things. Why are you making me beg you to let me give you my money? Why in the world do I have to Hack The Planet to buy a book? How does any of this make sense? Why do I have to walk up to a merchant like Oliver Twist and say “Please, sir, I want to exchange my currency for goods and services” and feel like I’m annoying them? I’m the customer!

My simple message is this: let me buy the thing. You have the thing. I want the thing. Let me buy the thing. Figure it out. Every minute you aren’t selling the thing, you’re losing money. Let me buy the thing. You’re a business. You like money. I’m a customer. I have money. Let me buy the thing. Look at all this money you’ve left on the table. I want to give you the money. Why won’t you just let me give you the money? Let. Me. Buy. The. Thing.

Let Me Buy The Thing